I spent time in prayer before deciding to write this. I wasn't sure if I
was hearing God correctly. Did He really want me to address the topic
of suicide? Did He really want to me share my heart and my story? The
resounding response I got was.... YES.
Lately I have seen quite a few obituaries posted on Facebook for people who have committed suicide. I have also seen some not so helpful comments made on these obituaries. I feel compelled to write this to share my story and to give the reader a glimpse into the mind of someone suicidal.
I have heard time and time again that suicide is selfish. The person who chooses to die is selfish. I have heard time and time again the question of "why" and the question of "what could I have done?" Blame and shame surround a suicide. Lives of more than just the deceased are changed.
So here is a glimpse into the mind of someone who has survived suicide attempts, who still battles the suicidal ideation, who is a recovering cutter (self - harm). When I got to the point that I wanted to die, I was not thinking straight. I was not thinking about other people (selfish? maybe). I was in so much pain that I just wanted it to end. The question has been asked, how can someone be in that much pain? Or what does that pain look like or feel like? That pain is intense. It is a hurt and ache like never experienced before. It is living your worst nightmare day in and day out. It is more than a physical pain. It is a pain so deep the only answer to it is death. It is a hurt that no one can take away. It is worse than any physical I have ever been in. It is heart wrenching. It is finding strength and courage to go on even one more second. I don't want to discount this pain. One can only understand it if they are at that point.
I don't see suicide as selfish. I see it as an end to pain. I am not trying to discount the hurt the people left behind feel at all. I do wonder however though, if suicide is selfish then isn't saying the person who killed them self is selfish? Isn't the person saying it is selfish looking at their own pain? I am not going to argue, I just want to state my point of being someone who has been suicidal, I get it.
Is there something someone could have done? Honestly, I don't know. I knew deep down that people cared about me, but I was in so much pain. I knew people would be upset and wonder why, but again, I was in so much pain. I was not thinking with a straight mind. I have described it to some people as it feels like an out of body experience. It feels like I am not in my body or my mind. It feels like someone or something has taken over inside. My heart is in so much pain that it is tuning all things out.
Why would someone choose suicide? Well, the pain of life is too much to bear. The heart has shut down and tuned everything and everyone out. The heart feels alone and isolated. The heart feels like the world is better off without it. The heart literally cannot endure anymore.
What could someone have done for me? Not much. You see, I was a master at hiding. I didn't want anyone to know I was suicidal. There is such a stigma attached to that word. People are "mental" or "unstable" or whatever word you want to use. I knew people cared, but I didn't want to worry them. My mind was convinced that they would be better off without me. My mind was convinced that I was doing the right thing. It was through hiding I found safety. I could keep people at an arms length. No one would be worried about me. I wouldn't be the cause of someone's worry.
Did I exhibit warning signs? Sure. I was a cutter. I didn't hide my cutting. I often made comments about life without me. I was careless and reckless. For example, I didn't wear my seatbelt. I made poor choices about sex, alcohol and tobacco. What was the worst thing that could happen to me?
So why go through writing all of this? Why try to show my inner pain and why I don't think suicide is selfish? Why do I even care about people I don't know who have died this way? Well, it is a plea to everyone to be kinder with their words. If just one person reads this and doesn't say harsh things about someone who was suicidal then it was worth the effort put forth. As a society, we are quick to judge. We don't know what someone is going through. We don't know the pain someone feels. We quickly jump to the pain we are feeling. We become selfish.
If you are reading this and think you are alone, I want to tell you that you are not. If you think no one cares, someone does... ME. I may not know you, but I can relate to the pain you are feeling. My pain may be different, my struggles and background may be different, but I care. Find a way to reach out to me if needed. I am here.
If you are reading this and have had suicide impact your life. I am sorry. My heart aches for the pain you feel. I know your life will never be the same. I know you are in pain too. Please don't keep the pain bottled up. Speak up and reach out.
If you are reading this and you think I am off my rocker. Well, that is your opinion and you are entitled to it. I appreciate you reading this far.
Suicide has changed my life. I am not who I was before the thoughts came. I still battle the pain inside. But I have found freedom too. I have the ability to share my story and journey. I have empathy. I care about people. I want the stigma to end. I want to have honest and open conversations about mental health and feelings. It has been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It is time for different results. It is time to get real.
